I hate the fact that why am I so useless

being so weak,

being so coward,

being so shy to talk with strangers.

If I'm more talkative,

more friendly and nicer person

It won't turn out this way.

I hate you, really hate this shit.

That shitty feeling when you started to doubt yourself.

- ooooam -

Even though I didn't file accordingly,

but I know where my things at.

When I say I didn't see I meant it.

I followed up their stuffs since March,

How am I suppose to know where is that whole damn invoices during February ?

They did not tell me you know?

Please don't blame the others,

And yeah,

part timer is not meant to be trusted. I know

Yeah,

I should just bang my head to the wall to show that I really don't know where is those thing.

Please don make me angry,

because I'll emo once I piss :/

- 1129pm -

100+ of invoices to be finished in 2 hours.

Out of a sudden,

Supervisor called and I went to her place for while.

5 mins later,

people shouting,

System down ! Yay, no need work.

That time was 6.

And you know what?

I left only 9 invoices to finished.

I NEVER SAVE THAT WHOLE DAMN THING.

The worst thing is,

when I told her, I didn't save.

She say,

你啊，真的是。。

WTH?

You think I purposely don't save so I can key one more time?

So I do double work?

So I stay up OT ?

Inconsiderate people.

I've thought to stay a little longer to help

but now?

HELL NO .

- 0023am -

今天只是打电话给 store keeper 几经打了整两小时，

你可以想象坐在一个不怎么舒服的椅子，

和一个陌生人谈电话，

手上悬在半空两个小时的感觉吗？

比起我们躺在舒服的床上，

和我们爱人的煲电话粥，

再来几小时都没问题。

那种怪怪的，你懂吗？

拿了一叠的 inventory list,

连在那边做了几年的 colleague 都要四天时间完成，

你今早给我，

你要我放工前交给你？

这都无所谓了。

看到那些 invoices 上的鬼画符，

拜托，

我真的没有拍下，

那些字，根本看不明白。

问问 colleague 她也看不明白，

才只好拿给 supervisor 。

谁知，她一手把它交给另一个supervisor,

还连声说，

“ 这个是什么？这华语太深，她看不明白”

我当场是 stonned 的。

我承认我华语不是超好，

但也不至于太差吧？

真的不能忍受那样的指责。

她连简单的华语都不明白你哪来的资格讲我？

我真的不是想要 complain

我知道我没有经验，

我知道我很多事都不好，

我不善于交谈，

不会打好人际关系，

不会拍马屁

更不会为自己打抱不平。

但是我好讨厌，

好讨厌这样。

今天很累，从早上赶到晚上，

知道今天我几点放工吗？

八点。

你有听过哪个 part timer 是八点放工的吗？

你有听过哪个 part timer 是没有领 OT 钱但还是留到八点的吗？

达拉，就是我。

一直说服自己，

这次来拿经验的，

工钱不用紧，

多做一些不用紧，

来学学就好了。

但是，我觉得现在做的有点委屈。

我知道这只是开头，

只是那点点的苦头。

不好意思，

我只想要诉诉苦罢了。:(

- 1133pm -

以前小时候，

一度的想要当女强人。

还记得当时其中一位朋友说，

哎呀！我改天比较想当少奶奶。哈哈

但是慢慢长大，

才发现其实要当个女强人，

根本不容易

除了要有聪明的头脑，

精明的办事手法

准确的判断力

和口齿伶俐的嘴巴之外

还要有很好的人际关系

上述五样好像都没有苛？

咳咳

而且最近看着镜子中的自己，

怎么看也不像个女强人。

反倒像个柔弱的人。

白痴

很期待看看未来的自己是怎样的。

- 1043pm -

Quite nice hor ? :D

I look like an iPhone mer?

Hahahah stupid !

- 1155pm -

Allow me a short moment of wanting to freeze time.

allow me to stay as a teen for a little longer.

allow me a short moment to be irresponsible and childish and free.

for this moment, i would like to express as i feel and as i wish.

for this moment, i would like to laugh and cry and shout and sleep as i please.

for this moment, i would like to make a face to whoever who displeases me.

for this moment, i would like to jump and laugh as ridiculous as i could be.

for this moment, i would not have to shove smiles and pleasantries to just any people.

for this moment, i would not have to think and think and think again of each action I've already made, I 'm making, and that i have to make.

for this moment, i would not have to go through pros and cons before reaching a decision.

for this moment, doing something is just for wanting to do it.

for this moment, façade is just a six letter word which has no meaning and holds no importance.

for this moment, i would be totally free.

We are expected to have RESPONSIBILITY on actions made.

We have to WEIGH what to do and what not to do.

We have to THINK. we have to KNOW.

We have to DO WHAT'S BEST.

Just for a moment, allow me to not grow up,

to stay as reckless, as ridiculous, as tooopid,

as emotional, and as HONEST as a teen.

let me go back to the days where my brain wasn't as awake as now,

where peace could be easily find,

where now it automatically analyses each tiny little thing it encounters.

Credits to one of my primary school friend.

I felt that too.

-1125pm -

How I wish you're right here with me now :'(

- 1156pm -

It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe.

I don't see it as a form of healing,

because if you have wounds that are bleeding I don't think acting will ever get them to stop.

But I find acting is a form of illumination.

-Rebecca De Mornay-

- 1144pm -